Ok, enough of the pity party. I am thankful for the part of myself that keeps watching, that keeps searching, that lets my body and spirit drift down until the light is almost gone but never gives up. That part of myself is my unending resiliency, and it is part of my Story.
Last night I saw a movie, and the movie included the words philanderer, and engage. Not much to anyone else, probably, but the night before, I had dreamed I was playing Scrabble, and was about to play the all time winningest Scrabble word ever: philanderers. Just as I was about the put down my tiles and sweep the game, I got distracted by a boy. He saw what I was about to do, and then kissed me. I am so easily distracted by a kiss…. Then he disappeared. He stopped answering his phone and wouldn’t text me back, and even though it showed that he read my messages on Whatsapp, he wouldn’t reply. Philanderer.
And then the word engage. I’ve been screaming it in my own head for years. Especially the last 3 years. Engage! Engage! What are you doing?? Wake up and ENGAGE with your life!!! While I watched the movie, I could feel that not so subtle stirring. The call to action that has also always been a part of my Story. I heard a voice in my head clearly talking to me. Telling me what to do. It was telling me to tell my Story. I had hoped that starting this blog would be enough, but it’s not. The voice was telling me to engage. To stop being distracted and engage. It knew my pain. It didn’t diminish it, but it showed me pictures of deeper pain, and said, I know, I know, but look! If he can heal, if she can heal, if they can find the way back to life, then so can you. What you’ve been through is. It is. It happened, but it’s not bigger than you are. Nothing is bigger than anyone. There is always a way forward and it’s always waiting for all of us. It’s time, the voice said. Now, now, now. Tell your Story. I don’t have anyone to tell, I pouted. I don’t have a group of people I can go and tell my Story to. Then no one else does either, and they need it, said the voice. Create it. You’ve done it before… remember? It’s time to serve.